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The Rare (unexpected) Breed

1/27/2015

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Earlier this month I put my adult son on a plane to Iceland, his first stop on his journey to studying abroad for a semester.  This is not just your typical study abroad program, but studying neuroscience, while completing a Science Research Practicum, all the while living in Denmark (working with the latest brain imaging technologies). It sounds like I'm bragging, but truly, I'm just astounded. 

As I drove away from the airport curbside all I could think was...hmm, pretty sure I used to threaten that I'd ship him to Iceland, for good, if he didn't get his act together...


This is the same toddler we once called Tazman because at 18 months, he ran circles around himself like the Tazmanian Devil…The toddler who thought he was a puppy and carried socks (often dirty)  around in his mouth…The kid who ‘red-shirted’ Kindergarten because he needed an extra year of playing in the sandbox…The kid who begged and pleaded to bring a big rock he had found to school to share, and when I begrudgingly obliged (“It needs to go right in your cubby and only come out at circle time!”) and after he agreed to my set boundaries, still promptly threw the rock in the middle of the play area the moment we entered his classroom... The kid who burnt his arm from accidentally running into the barbecue...The kid who absentmindedly wrote with sharpie on his preschool teacher’s expensive new jeans...The kid who didn’t wear tie shoes until 6th grade because Velcro was easier….

He has broken 3 bones, totaled 2 cars without triggering the airbags, and suffered more than 1 concussion participating in wrestling and rugby.  At the end of 1st Grade, he barely read at benchmark levels, and in 2nd Grade, he was in afterschool resource for both writing and math.  I even had to have a meeting with his first PE teacher in 2nd Grade because he  wanted to kick him out of class (reality check- PE was the least of my friggin worries at that point).

But wait… Did I mention he was 5 points away from a perfect SAT score?  That he was such a voracious reader we sometimes had to take books away so he could concentrate on other things? That he starred in an anti bullying video in Middle School because he was so damn articulate? That he is off to study neuroscience abroad? That he has been teaching his 13 year old sister about Darwin’s Origin of the Species? And that he is currently the President of his college Rugby club?
...

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There are Orchids and there are Dandelions.  Dandelions are amazing children; like the flower they are named after, they are resilient, smart, and can grow -and more importantly, survive- into healthy adulthood despite negative environmental factors.  Orchids are also amazing children; they are smart, beautiful, with the potential to grow, however, they are not as resilient as the dandelion and if orchids are exposed to environmental detriment, their fragility can’t survive.  On the other hand, orchids born into the ‘right’ environment where they are cared and advocated for as the unique individual they are, those orchids can bloom into the creative geniuses of the world, far surpassing what would have ever been predicted from standardized testing, cursory behavioral observations, or diagnoses during their early years.  Remember stories of Einstein’s early days?

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Of my 5 children, I have 4 dandelions and 1 orchid.  I treat[ed] them all like orchids, but when I got the one orchid all the way to young adulthood and looked back, I realized how many places along the way we could have derailed.  How instead of being tagged as a troublemaker, his open classroom program in Middle School encouraged him to become a leader.  How instead of letting the competitive high school environment break his spirit, he spoke out about the ‘Race to Nowhere’ so prevalent in our highly competitive educational culture. 

It makes me think about, and hurt for the orchids born into families without the bandwidth for children with special needs, families and children without protective features.  I remember most orchids I’ve had in my classrooms and I worry about orchids born both into the throes of resources and raised in the disadvantages of poverty.  

All kids are exhausting, but orchids kick us into high gear...they need advocates, relationships, and tending to… they are “that kid” that teachers both struggle with and feel most pride in.  They are the children many of us are determined not to give up on.  Once a teacher told my son; “You’ll either be the leader of the free world one day or be in prison for life.”  Taken out of context this might seem a horrid thing to say.  In context,  it reminded my son how gifted he really was, and how certain gifts can be used different ways depending on different circumstance…

Orchids need what dandelions need, but are harder to understand and provide care for. Orchids require digging deep into the depths of our thinking, for they aren’t as easy as dandelions and they will torture and test even the most adept parents and teachers throughout our journey… but, when they bloom, they bloom in a big way.  Orchids bloom beyond our wildest dreams.

If you’d like to read more about this frame of thinking, I suggest this article.

 


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The 2-Headed Monster

1/20/2015

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My Child: The 2-Headed Monster

There are at least two worlds for most every child...inside the home and outside the home (I will tell you now, If you home school, this isn’t the blog post for you). For most of us, inside and outside the home translate to ‘home or school’.  As a teacher sitting down to conference with parents year after year, I prepare myself for at least 3 scenarios to possibly come to fruition;

  1. Child is the same child at school and at home...challenging behaviors or not. Parents and teachers can joke or cry together as they share expertise and move forward on goals.
  2. Child is struggling at school but is “perfect at home”.  
  3. Child is the purest form of teacher dream in all ways, and is a major terror at home.  
Today, I want to address Child #3 because...
  1. We’re all good!!! No matter what, and we’re sticking together. Parents and teachers are on the same page, the kiddo in question is getting the gift of shared expertise and reflection from all ends.
   2.      Someone at this party is clearly in denial, (we teachers can get our heads wrapped around a kid wrong,     
          just as much as a parent can).  I’d need to be a licensed therapist to effectively delve into it.  Or this        
          picture is missing so much information it needs more time and information sharing before the situation
          can move forward.
 

Child number 3 has the ‘shitty-feeling, downtrodden, desperate to change things parent’ written all over it.  This is where I can share some expertise...

One parent follower recently shared this about her 9 year old:
“She is sweet as a Georgian Peach outside the home…inside, more of a pre-teen terror…screaming, favorite word is NO…any advice? Desperate for a solution…”

My first experience with this phenomenon was long ago…I remember dragging myself to pick up my 4 year old daughter from child care sometime in the mid 90’s (which means, if you want to picture this, I was in my late 20s wearing an oversized tunic and patterned leggings, probably carrying a sibling baby on my hip) not feeling too excited to parent another evening away in power struggles. Our evenings had been going something like this:

She says: “…then you can’t come to my birthday party!!” and slams the door behind her. I go after her and yell through closed bedroom door “…then who is going to pay for it?!”

So, back at the preschool, I am greeted by her teacher, (who in her defense was one of my former colleagues) and as part of my normal routine I asked, “How was her day?” ...and then mustering confidence in a plaintive almost desperate way I added, “We’ve been having a really hard time at home lately”... And before I could even fully express my fatigue and desperation, the teacher says “Ohhh…she is just such an angel! We have no problems with her here, ever.”  

Ever?! Screw you!  

Not only was I battling parenting fatigue, but I had a drama queen (4 going on 21 daughter) on my hands. Her tutus and Disney princess fetishes hid her talent for tying me in knots.  Around this same time she had feigned a kidnapping at a restaurant during a big family dinner, screaming “this is not my mother, leave me alone!!” at the top of her lungs all the way to the door as I was taking her for a “small break outside” during a tableside meltdown.  Triple sigh, just remembering it.

Fast forward 20 years and my two-headed monster of the 90’s, is my beautiful and amazing 23 year old daughter. She is still incredibly socially mature and independent. God forbid I get in the way of her plans. (I know because I’ve tried, with much the same verbage “who will pay for it?”).  Recently, friends who socialize with us both, together and apart, mentioned how funny and surprising it was to watch Kelsey be annoyed by her mother.  

Wait. What?

Some patterns never change? My oldest daughter is my best friend and has been since the moment she was born. I believe this feeling is mutual.  That said, I am her mother, not her peer. We’ve grown up together. More than with any of her siblings, this kids has been with me on the entire journey.  Even at my worst I have been her one steady, safe, and sustaining person... and all my decisions, right or wrong, have held what I believed to be her best interest at heart.  That means we share the good, bad, and the ugly. She needs me, yet she doesn’t.  Even at 6 weeks old, I had this weird motherly intuition that she needed a bit of break from me, even just a few hours a day.  Whether this was a symptom of mentally preparing for going back to work or not, I’ll never know; but I do remember clearly thinking as we were rocking together…’I am starting to bore her, it is time to add some new characters to her life’.  The pattern has never changed….can’t wait to be together...but, enough is enough, I know your routine, you are starting to bore me.

But, back to what helped me survive these discrepancies in home and school,  It was optimism.  I tend to look on the bright side...silver lining type parenting, my cup is (usually!) half full.  And damn if I’m not proud to have kids, who despite struggling with impulse control, and focus for learning, behave themselves at school, at synagogue, in sports, and most any time out of our home.  My kids were wild banshees that let loose back in their home environment, but most of the time, they were known as ‘the kids that teachers could count on’ at school.  I began to realize I could suck it up and struggle along with the hard stuff, as long as I could count on them to behave most of the time when in other people’s care, or when part of group activities.  

I reframed the story for myself in other ways too. I started to reflect on how I feel when I get home from a day of work, ready for my glass of wine...my ‘grown up way’ of needing to let loose. Are our kids really any different??

I’ve seen versions of this story transpire over the years in my preschool programs.  Kiddos happily engaged all day long at school, and then parents walk in and, like a light switch, that same kiddo falls apart… sometimes in tears, sometimes by suddenly getting out of control, sometimes just wanting to get out of school as fast as they can… a day at child care or school is a day at work for children.  Just as we dig deep to maintain professionalism in our workplaces, children dig even deeper to manage their behavior all day long.  For a child with special needs, higher sensitivity to changing environments, or challenges with impulse control; there may be an even more drastic difference between environments.

I’ve had my adult sons home on college break and they recently felt the need to have some serious discussions with me about their younger brother, Jake: “He’s a terror, you let him get away with so much. He’s a jerk.” Well, not even five minutes later, I received an email from his teacher… “Jake was nominated to participate in a special assembly tomorrow because he has the most off the chart positive behavior points for the year.”

Wait. What?

Not only does this crack me up because it’s coming from two alpha members of the wild banshee pack, but here it is, history repeating itself.

...And, lastly, let’s circle back to teachers talking to parents about their children...Talking to parents about their children can be difficult for all kinds of reasons and parent teacher conferences can be very emotionally charged.  Hearing things about your children that don’t match up with your experience can be shocking to both parent and teacher. Normalize these differences instead of exaggerating them. Wonder together. Promote the idea that children pushing boundaries is a developmental reality, and when they meltdown it can be a message that they feel confident that the adults around them will protect them.  

Perhaps having a two-headed monster is a compliment? You provide just the comfort your child needs to thrive outside your relationship.  What do you think?





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Awkward Family Photo

1/7/2015

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“AND THEY’RE OFF”…back to school after the holidays.   From my texts and messages from some of you I see it is a mixed bag of feelings; from “I’m going to lose my shit” to “Loveliest holiday season ever”, every year this season brings it’s trials and tribulations.  And then not to mention the goals we set as we enter January with lofty thoughts in mind…the holiday aftermath isn’t always so blessed. 

My kids get so far out of routine on vacation, they generally like getting back to school, and yet the transition into the new half of the school year isn’t always so easy.  Teachers start to put the ‘pedal to metal’ to reach academic milestones before school year end, whether consciously or unconsciously our children may start to feel the pressure.  Our sleep schedule is totally off… and why is it still dark when we have to wake up? 

But what really cracks me up is my stack of holiday pictures of happy families in clean tidy clothes, and tidings of comfort and joy, that stare at me and seem to say, “What are you going to do with us now?”… and that is the inspiration for my new year’s blog… is life really this happy???

Lest you begin to think my life with kids is copacetic full time just because I send out an annual happiness card, my oldest daughter and I thought we’d create our own awkward family photo diatribe in hopes we bring humor to your post holiday transition.   Because of course being ‘down to earth’ about your parenting also means being realistic.  Despite the myriads of perfect holiday cards with their perfect holiday pictures needing to be recycled this time of year, the grass is rarely greener whilst they came. 

As a family with platinum status in the National ADHD club, (it is very heritable you know), my family has been through many versions of photo difficulties… Every ‘perfect’ photo, just like every so-called ‘perfect’ family, has had many takes before getting the perfect one…  In fact, one year I just gave up and made a collage of all the blooper picks with tagline “Better Luck Next Year”… indeed, some years are just like that… we hope for better luck next year.  And some years… well, the picture itself is the awkward history every family carries through the years.

 
Oops, Mom didn't know she's chosen Judaism just yet....
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Someone wrecks almost every picture because the probability of 5 smiles is just damn low....
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                  Or pets want in on the action.....
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           Many years when significant competition
           existed for who was the center of attention...
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Years when sensory disorders were in our way...sometimes you just can't get comfortable...
Someone pulling hair.....
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Tantrums....
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When pajamas were formal attire.....
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Have any awkward family photos with history all your own? Post if you’d like to share or just enjoy the reality of it all as we emerge back into the real world post holiday hubbub and attempt to embrace the new year… perhaps our only expectations should be the perfect imperfection life with children has to offer!!!

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    Author

    Tanya Swezey Stabinsky
    Early Childhood Consultant
    Parenting Coach

    Thank you to Mallory Brown Tinsley for her support with editing the blog.

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