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Hanukkah Hut Angst and Creating a Family of Givers

12/15/2014

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It is an awesome thing to send your kiddo off to Sunday School with $40 and know he’ll come home with 7 presents wrapped and ready for his family....(This year, we even planned a night of Hanukkah for sibling gift giving because even if I have to pay for it, I like the idea of my kids thinking about each other). The best is seeing the presents he chooses, and listening to his late night “buyer’s remorse” during cuddles...

Jake:  Ema, I have to tell you something…

Ema: What, Buddy?

Jake: I’m really really sorry but I forgot to get you a present at the Hanukkah Hut.

Ema: That’s okay Buddy, don’t worry… did you run out of money? Were you able to get presents for all your siblings?

Jake: Well, I used all the money but, no I didn’t run out… I miscounted. I thought I was done and had $7 left over, so I bought a present for myself.  But I’ll make you something, I promise. (Oh, the pain of big-family math…)

Ema: It’s okay, Buddy… Emas don’t expect presents, that isn’t the important part....It’s okay to buy yourself a present sometimes, too.

Jake: Yeah, and you wouldn’t really like the thing I got anyhow. (Long cuddly pause)...I’m still going to make you something.

Ema:  I like anything you give me, but I love the things you make me more...thanks.

The season of giving brings with it the season of craziness. I love to have the traditions of candle lighting and gifting, but I worry about it being too much ‘all take’ and not much real ‘giving’ for my kids. This changes as they grow older and I know that over time my kids look forward to the Pajama night, the gift card night, the sock and underwear night…it becomes more about the time together than the actual present they receive.  What is hard to know, is whether it’s because I’ve done something right with my parenting, or that children just grow into being givers. Whichever it is, here are a few ideas that I have tried or keep trying over the years…

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1. Repairing the World.  As a Jewish parent, I try to use the same words as are used at my kid’s Summer Camp or Sunday School to point out the moments my kids are giving of themselves.  For me this usually involves Hebrew or Yiddish, but I am sure that Church, Scouts, and Clubs in your community offer the same set of values or words that help put a language to social action.  Even preschools can use the language of community building and empathy… I especially like the “Fill your bucket” series by Carol McCloud which helps young children think about filling others’ buckets, it also helps children think about how it might feel to have an empty bucket.

2. Participate in year round efforts which make giving an everyday happening, not just a seasonal event.  My children have always enjoyed going shopping for food drives, which has also given me the opportunity to talk about different kinds of food and help my children choose nutritious food items. In addition, it has provided an opportunity to gain an understanding that some people needing food have kitchens, while others may not have access to appliances and still need ways to be healthy.

3. As a former teacher, I love Staff Appreciation weeks.  This is the week of the school year I almost always volunteer, and in doing so, I try to emphasize to parents and children that every day is teacher appreciation day. Our year round gratitude is shown in our appropriate behavior and clear communication with one another.  My children’s teachers through the years are counted as some of my very favorite people in the world, finding ways to remind them of that does not go unnoticed.

4. Take your kids with you to vote… or make sure they see you vote.  One of the most important ways we give back to our community and show our children what is important, is by making sure we participate in our most basic of civic duties.

5. If your child feels scared or unsure of people who are homeless, mentally ill, elderly, disabled or different in religion or ethnicity than you are, check your own reactions.  Instead of informing your child how they should act, react or feel… wonder with them about why they think someone is “weird”, “scary” or causes them “discomfort”.  I am big on not shying away from hard discussion and wondering with my kids… I am more often than not humbled by my kids correcting me when I am insensitive.  Our kids are growing up in a much more accepting world… encourage it, they’ll be much better off if you do.

6. Make your giving visible.  It isn’t the amount of money that is important, it is the act of participation.  In fact, my children rarely know if I have given $18 or $180.  There have been times I just could not give to the myriad of fundraisers that come home in the backpacks… but when I do, I try hard to have my children participate, with me.  I want them to know we are a family of “givers” and giving is not just with money, we can give through service, acts of kindness and helping others understand certain causes better.  
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7. Recently I saw a great post about creating ziplockbags full of toiletries and other basic needs for the homeless.  The idea being giving these bags (as opposed to cash) when we meet up with individuals asking for help.  I reposted, and noticed a number of friends took on the project over thanksgiving with their own families.  I hope to follow their lead and do the same with my kids during winter break, and in fact a few times a year, as it is an easy thing to keep in the car and give when approached for help.

8. Lastly, I owe this idea to my amazing sisters (and to our community of cousins who continue the practice year after year with enthusiasm):  Each Christmas afternoon instead of exchanging gifts, my family’s cousins (up to 21 cousins ranging in a thirty year age span) exchange donations to charities of their choosing.  You pick your cousin, research the charity of their choice, make the donation and provide a brief but meaningful presentation during our “circle of giving” time.  Months ahead my children are planning their charity choice, and it never ceases to amaze me what the youngest of the cousins present and understand through their research.  Our children (meaning the whole group of cousins) have collectively given to and learned about agencies protecting LGBT rights, supporting Alzheimer’s and  Autism research, protecting wetlands, endangered species and coastal areas, furthering sustainable agriculture, feeding the hungry and less fortunate, rebuilding after Katrina, medical relief work in Haiti, providing clean water, supporting micro businesses internationally, and anti-bullying campaigns… the list goes on and on… understanding and trying to empathize with the needs of the world is one of the first ways to develop a sense of giving.

In the spirit of the season, I hope you'll post some of your ideas below for fighting the “angst” and creating a family and community of “givers”.
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The Forgotten Child

12/8/2014

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One of my kids refers to herself as the “forgotten” child… here’s why:

She once got locked out of one of our Cruise Staterooms. (We never expected that our big kids would sleep through their sister leaving her bunk.) When a fellow cruiser knocked on the door, we were shocked to find that the toddler in the hall was ours... 

And once we forgot she was with us when she slipped into the gas station store to buy a drink. Until of course, we heard the lady yell after us, “Hey, isn’t this your kid?” as we took off down the street…

And once when we left her at the high school following our older son’s graduation...we all thought she was with the other car full of family members...  

And once, more recently, a big group of us walked away from her at the zoo…and well, fortunately, she could borrow a cell phone and call us…

And the truth is, she is not even the baby I left at my office when meeting my colleagues for margaritas…he too, was perfectly safe when I returned to the office full of laughter from coworkers timing how long it would be before I returned.  Yes, 6 months of therapy ensued after that one.

 
Feeling like a shitty parent (or teacher for that matter) isn’t fun, but it does come with the territory, no matter how experienced we are.  If we offer our children a wide range of experiences, there are bound to be moments of oversight...moments we miss cues or get disconnected.  Embracing my perfectly imperfect parenting and teaching has been a life’s journey for me.   As a teacher and mother I have found it liberating to “out” myself, because all my worst moments are nothing when I start to think of my best moments. And the best moments are what count the most in the end.

How can the bad moments happen, you ask? That could never happen to me, you say?  Research on parent child relationships tells us, we all have our good and bad moments, and even though I hate math, I am pretty sure my probability for these moments increased with each additional child I added to my responsibilities. 

When we turned the car around and pulled back into the gas station for my daughter, she just jumped in the car like nothing had happened.  First thing out of both my husband’s and my mouth was “Were you worried?”  Surprisingly, she laughed and said “No.”  It was a little hard to believe, but true. She was totally unfazed and said it really never occurred to her that we wouldn’t turn around quickly.  It wasn’t until years later, after the graduation and zoo experiences, she created her own nickname, ‘the forgotten child’, just to rub in her mother’s failings.

I have learned a few things about parenting and our process of rupture and repair with children.  I understand that my daughter, despite her mother’s worst moments, has internalized that no matter what bad moments arise between us, our best moments are never too far away.  I believe all my children have developed this understanding of relationship.  I make mistakes, they make mistakes, and then we find our way back to our perfect space together. (Hopefully, I make far fewer mistakes than they do over the course of our life time.)

One of my favorite researchers, Dr. Ed Tronick of “Still Face experiment” fame, says it like this…

“It’s a little like the good, the bad and the ugly.  The good is that normal stuff that goes on, we all do with our kids.  The bad is when something bad happens, but the infant can overcome it, after all, when you stop the Still Face, the mother and baby get to play again.  The ugly is when you don’t give the child any chance to get back to the good, there is no reparation and they are stuck in the really ugly situation.”

Tronick’s research helped us understand that only 20 to 30 percent of  interactions with our children are perfectly in sync...

“The rest of the time is… you’re in sync, you’re out of sync, you’re getting back into sync.”  And that is really what he thinks is the key process: “getting back into synchrony”.  The back and forth of disconnect and reconnect is not only normal, it is actually positive.

As Tronick also says, “When you reconnect, one of the things that can happen, not always but some of the time, is that you create something new, if you create something new, you grow.”

When our children return to connectedness with us, the relief felt can create a powerful learning moment. When children learn there is recovery after bad moments, their resilience is bolstered.  One of my favorite things to say to preschoolers after a hard day at school is “tomorrow will be a better day”.  It isn’t easy to for an adult and child to coordinate emotions and attention full time, but it is our responsibility, as the adult in the relationship, to continue to make stride towards this connection. 

As parents and teachers we need to remember that no relationship is perfect all of the time. Every relationship is a journey of trial and error.  It comes with the territory that we need to set limits, we get distracted, we don’t read our children’s cues for attention, we laugh or joke when our child doesn’t think it is funny, we yell when we could just speak, and we just plain tune out sometimes.  I am guilty as charged.  I know I miss more opportunities than I catch.  I’ve stopped feeling guilty about the worst moments, because I have come to recognize that the times I am perfect, are extraordinary moments for both me and my kids.  Those moments when we laugh together, when I have the right words to move them forward, when I show up as the “cool mom”, when we finish each others’ thoughts, those times are banked in our “interactions account”, and yes, sometimes “loans and withdrawals” are necessary.  I challenge us as teachers and parents to concentrate on quality more than quantity, quality of interactions more than quality of gifts or activities to fill their time.  If we work hard for the 30% perfection, the imperfection will take care of itself.

 

For more information about Dr. Tronick’s work please see youtube videos below.
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Introduction to downtoearthparenting.com

12/5/2014

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Three days until launching this site and my first blog doesn’t say anything about why “down to earth”… and I sit dumbfounded in the car talking to my site manager wracking my post thanksgiving stupor… did  I write an intro blog or not?  Clearly not, because just like my plans for raising children… I got sidetracked… I changed the theme… I lost track…and that perhaps is the best introduction you’ll get.

I’m married to a Doctor, and he was more than annoyed at me when 12 years ago, my friend called to ask labor questions...she called me...not the doctor. It was hard for him to hear that she had questions about something doctors know all about, but she was calling to wonder with a friend… a friend who had been there, done that… someone who sat on the other end of the phone just being there to wonder alongside her in a moment of question.  And that same friend is now alongside me, helping me launch this site… wanting to be alongside you, our readers, as we wonder about children together…because we all need people to wonder with…

I’m not a writer by education.  I’m not a “licensed” expert who spent years researching and writing for a dissertation.  I can’t even claim to be the best parent or preschool teacher in the world.  Being the best is not what this site, or my work, is about.  The downtoearthparenting blog is about getting back to basics.  The blog is about what I know best, the stories of my journey in parenting… the stories of my intentions and my failures… the stories of humor and hurt… the stories of chaos and peace…  I’ve lived and continue to live my journey, having brought hundreds of parents in my ECE programs along with me… and now I hope to bring you along, too.

Frankly, our world is so fast paced, we are hardly able to think and connect anymore, let alone connect with our own feelings and thoughts on parenting.  What do I know about parents?  We need time to think and connect both with a community of like minded parents or friends and with our children.  My years of building parent and teacher communities has made me an expert on one thing…not trying to be an expert. I prefer instead to be a part of the process that helps parents and teachers find the answer for themselves.  

I want this to be a site readers can come home to…  I promise to keep the balance between humor and research, prompt your thinking, help unstick stuck moments… all the while appreciating parenting for what it is; the combination of where we’ve been and where we are yet to go… a perfectly imperfect journey.


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December 5, 2014

12/1/2014

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    Author

    Tanya Swezey Stabinsky
    Early Childhood Consultant
    Parenting Coach

    Thank you to Mallory Brown Tinsley for her support with editing the blog.

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