It is an awesome thing to send your kiddo off to Sunday School with $40 and know he’ll come home with 7 presents wrapped and ready for his family....(This year, we even planned a night of Hanukkah for sibling gift giving because even if I have to pay for it, I like the idea of my kids thinking about each other). The best is seeing the presents he chooses, and listening to his late night “buyer’s remorse” during cuddles...
Jake: Ema, I have to tell you something…
Ema: What, Buddy?
Jake: I’m really really sorry but I forgot to get you a present at the Hanukkah Hut.
Ema: That’s okay Buddy, don’t worry… did you run out of money? Were you able to get presents for all your siblings?
Jake: Well, I used all the money but, no I didn’t run out… I miscounted. I thought I was done and had $7 left over, so I bought a present for myself. But I’ll make you something, I promise. (Oh, the pain of big-family math…)
Ema: It’s okay, Buddy… Emas don’t expect presents, that isn’t the important part....It’s okay to buy yourself a present sometimes, too.
Jake: Yeah, and you wouldn’t really like the thing I got anyhow. (Long cuddly pause)...I’m still going to make you something.
Ema: I like anything you give me, but I love the things you make me more...thanks.
The season of giving brings with it the season of craziness. I love to have the traditions of candle lighting and gifting, but I worry about it being too much ‘all take’ and not much real ‘giving’ for my kids. This changes as they grow older and I know that over time my kids look forward to the Pajama night, the gift card night, the sock and underwear night…it becomes more about the time together than the actual present they receive. What is hard to know, is whether it’s because I’ve done something right with my parenting, or that children just grow into being givers. Whichever it is, here are a few ideas that I have tried or keep trying over the years…
Jake: Ema, I have to tell you something…
Ema: What, Buddy?
Jake: I’m really really sorry but I forgot to get you a present at the Hanukkah Hut.
Ema: That’s okay Buddy, don’t worry… did you run out of money? Were you able to get presents for all your siblings?
Jake: Well, I used all the money but, no I didn’t run out… I miscounted. I thought I was done and had $7 left over, so I bought a present for myself. But I’ll make you something, I promise. (Oh, the pain of big-family math…)
Ema: It’s okay, Buddy… Emas don’t expect presents, that isn’t the important part....It’s okay to buy yourself a present sometimes, too.
Jake: Yeah, and you wouldn’t really like the thing I got anyhow. (Long cuddly pause)...I’m still going to make you something.
Ema: I like anything you give me, but I love the things you make me more...thanks.
The season of giving brings with it the season of craziness. I love to have the traditions of candle lighting and gifting, but I worry about it being too much ‘all take’ and not much real ‘giving’ for my kids. This changes as they grow older and I know that over time my kids look forward to the Pajama night, the gift card night, the sock and underwear night…it becomes more about the time together than the actual present they receive. What is hard to know, is whether it’s because I’ve done something right with my parenting, or that children just grow into being givers. Whichever it is, here are a few ideas that I have tried or keep trying over the years…
1. Repairing the World. As a Jewish parent, I try to use the same words as are used at my kid’s Summer Camp or Sunday School to point out the moments my kids are giving of themselves. For me this usually involves Hebrew or Yiddish, but I am sure that Church, Scouts, and Clubs in your community offer the same set of values or words that help put a language to social action. Even preschools can use the language of community building and empathy… I especially like the “Fill your bucket” series by Carol McCloud which helps young children think about filling others’ buckets, it also helps children think about how it might feel to have an empty bucket.
2. Participate in year round efforts which make giving an everyday happening, not just a seasonal event. My children have always enjoyed going shopping for food drives, which has also given me the opportunity to talk about different kinds of food and help my children choose nutritious food items. In addition, it has provided an opportunity to gain an understanding that some people needing food have kitchens, while others may not have access to appliances and still need ways to be healthy.
3. As a former teacher, I love Staff Appreciation weeks. This is the week of the school year I almost always volunteer, and in doing so, I try to emphasize to parents and children that every day is teacher appreciation day. Our year round gratitude is shown in our appropriate behavior and clear communication with one another. My children’s teachers through the years are counted as some of my very favorite people in the world, finding ways to remind them of that does not go unnoticed.
4. Take your kids with you to vote… or make sure they see you vote. One of the most important ways we give back to our community and show our children what is important, is by making sure we participate in our most basic of civic duties.
5. If your child feels scared or unsure of people who are homeless, mentally ill, elderly, disabled or different in religion or ethnicity than you are, check your own reactions. Instead of informing your child how they should act, react or feel… wonder with them about why they think someone is “weird”, “scary” or causes them “discomfort”. I am big on not shying away from hard discussion and wondering with my kids… I am more often than not humbled by my kids correcting me when I am insensitive. Our kids are growing up in a much more accepting world… encourage it, they’ll be much better off if you do.
6. Make your giving visible. It isn’t the amount of money that is important, it is the act of participation. In fact, my children rarely know if I have given $18 or $180. There have been times I just could not give to the myriad of fundraisers that come home in the backpacks… but when I do, I try hard to have my children participate, with me. I want them to know we are a family of “givers” and giving is not just with money, we can give through service, acts of kindness and helping others understand certain causes better.
3. As a former teacher, I love Staff Appreciation weeks. This is the week of the school year I almost always volunteer, and in doing so, I try to emphasize to parents and children that every day is teacher appreciation day. Our year round gratitude is shown in our appropriate behavior and clear communication with one another. My children’s teachers through the years are counted as some of my very favorite people in the world, finding ways to remind them of that does not go unnoticed.
4. Take your kids with you to vote… or make sure they see you vote. One of the most important ways we give back to our community and show our children what is important, is by making sure we participate in our most basic of civic duties.
5. If your child feels scared or unsure of people who are homeless, mentally ill, elderly, disabled or different in religion or ethnicity than you are, check your own reactions. Instead of informing your child how they should act, react or feel… wonder with them about why they think someone is “weird”, “scary” or causes them “discomfort”. I am big on not shying away from hard discussion and wondering with my kids… I am more often than not humbled by my kids correcting me when I am insensitive. Our kids are growing up in a much more accepting world… encourage it, they’ll be much better off if you do.
6. Make your giving visible. It isn’t the amount of money that is important, it is the act of participation. In fact, my children rarely know if I have given $18 or $180. There have been times I just could not give to the myriad of fundraisers that come home in the backpacks… but when I do, I try hard to have my children participate, with me. I want them to know we are a family of “givers” and giving is not just with money, we can give through service, acts of kindness and helping others understand certain causes better.
7. Recently I saw a great post about creating ziplockbags full of toiletries and other basic needs for the homeless. The idea being giving these bags (as opposed to cash) when we meet up with individuals asking for help. I reposted, and noticed a number of friends took on the project over thanksgiving with their own families. I hope to follow their lead and do the same with my kids during winter break, and in fact a few times a year, as it is an easy thing to keep in the car and give when approached for help.
8. Lastly, I owe this idea to my amazing sisters (and to our community of cousins who continue the practice year after year with enthusiasm): Each Christmas afternoon instead of exchanging gifts, my family’s cousins (up to 21 cousins ranging in a thirty year age span) exchange donations to charities of their choosing. You pick your cousin, research the charity of their choice, make the donation and provide a brief but meaningful presentation during our “circle of giving” time. Months ahead my children are planning their charity choice, and it never ceases to amaze me what the youngest of the cousins present and understand through their research. Our children (meaning the whole group of cousins) have collectively given to and learned about agencies protecting LGBT rights, supporting Alzheimer’s and Autism research, protecting wetlands, endangered species and coastal areas, furthering sustainable agriculture, feeding the hungry and less fortunate, rebuilding after Katrina, medical relief work in Haiti, providing clean water, supporting micro businesses internationally, and anti-bullying campaigns… the list goes on and on… understanding and trying to empathize with the needs of the world is one of the first ways to develop a sense of giving.
In the spirit of the season, I hope you'll post some of your ideas below for fighting the “angst” and creating a family and community of “givers”.
In the spirit of the season, I hope you'll post some of your ideas below for fighting the “angst” and creating a family and community of “givers”.
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