Blog Posts

Annoying Social Media Presence

3/5/2015

I heard I am occasionally annoying on social media in a recent text conversation that went like this;

Her: “I’m only embarrassed of your social media presence occasionally.”

Me: “Oh Lord, get over it. Would you prefer me to be an old shriveled up shrew?”

Her: “No, I do not.”

...but it really became food for thought… why do I find social media so captivating?

As I began to wonder about my social media presence, I realized that one reason I am so active is that most of what I read these days is recommended by like minded friends and colleagues. These articles are filtered and I have a better idea of what I want to spend my time reading, and if I am so inclined to want to take a deep breath and read the opposing viewpoint, I know whose post to read from that angle too. (Yes, rarely...but yes...sometimes I dabble in trying to understand a diversity of views, as it helps me understand my own views that much better…or, even better, it helps me find common ground where I thought there was none.) But, there is even another more personal reason... after years and years of working with, mentoring and, quite honestly, loving hundreds of teachers, children, and parents, I WANT to know where those people ended up.

As I continue down my social media thought journey, I muse about other aspects of social networking. Besides news and work related reading, do I enjoy this means of relationship maintenance?

...YUP. That would be a big fat affirmative.

Let’s put it this way, I have never, ever, ever, had a lack of people in my life for face to face socializing. My social media time does not take away from meaningful face to face interactions (and ignore whatever my husband has to say about this… because I hear him talk plenty and at nauseum…). I grew up the youngest of nine, moved to college dorms and party houses, married and started a family at 24, chose a career consisting of day to day interactions with parents, kids, and teachers for 25 years, operated a school in my home for over 100 families and 7 staff members for 6 years (affectionately dubbed by many as “the commune”), and at 47, still have two children, 2 dogs, a cat and a funny little husband to keep me company in my home. Let me just repeat: SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT GET IN THE WAY OF MY PEOPLE TIME. It actually enables me to stay in touch with more people I love, despite differences in time zone, state, or even continent.

For the human brain, there is a self limiting number of close relationships which can be sustained with a reasonable amount of quality; perhaps known better as the Dunbar Number. The most intimate of the Dunbar numbers puts forth that the average human brain can only manage five people as your closest support group. These would be my (or your, for that matter) best friends and often family members. The next number on the scale of intimacy is 15, these are people you might turn to in times of trouble, or keep as confidantes. Lastly, there are 50 people you might call close friends or relatives, who would be invited to Weddings, Bat Mitzvahs, etc. My point is, for someone like me, who has lived the people rich life above...what happens to all the rest of the people I have known?

Further complicating my issues is my ADHD. Yes, it has been observed that adult women with ADHD have a more challenging time maintaining relationships. For instance, if you can’t find your frickin keys on an hour to hour basis, how the hell are you going to maintain multiple friendships??? For some of us, if we don’t act on a memory or thought the minute it floats to the top, it may disappear into the universe…

All of these thoughts brought me to the realization that our kids sometimes don’t take into account that we didn’t grow up with social media, email, and texting. There was no 'unlimited' calling and long distance was a luxury only for parents. Our kids have never thought twice about the ability to stay in touch with a camp friend they spent two amazing summers with...or that best friend down the block who moved away when they were ten...or that only friend who had a household as crazy and chaotic as yours, who in fifth grade shared your 10th birthday party because you were only a day apart in age…

Back then, we might have written (snail mail) back and forth for at least a year, maybe even two, but eventually, life and distance would come between us. I still remembered my friend’s first address when she first moved away but then her Dad must have been transferred again…sigh. I even still have a picture of us dressed up in the back yard using tennis balls for our, then, non-existent boobs. I wondered where these friends were for a long time, what happened to people who made my childhood fun and who shared so much of my life with me...Then, one day I was on a social media site and someone posted to my sister in law about another someone who moved to my old home town, and that someone, happened to have the same name and lived in that said town for a few years in the 70’s! It wasn’t quite that best friend just yet, but it did happen to be her sister, and through 4 degrees of separation and this new fangled thing called Facebook, we found eachother! And the best part is that it didn’t just stop there...I could find another and another and another... and strangely enough, some of these long-lost friends were working in the same field or shared my educational values or interests. We may not have been able to be best friends again, but we did get to see who that person became as a grown up and what kind of cool kids they were raising…

When later that same year my mother died and two of my childhood friends connected on social media and shared stories about her, I began to heal because of them. These were not just ordinary stories or sympathy shared, but stories so deeply funny, in so many ways, that I laughed through the tears…despite the time and distance, they were able to give a gift no one else could.

So yes, I might occasionally be annoying on social media, but get over it. Social media may actually have more meaning to those who didn’t always have the benefit of it in their lives. And despite what you might think, when I connect with you from our long distance separation, maybe it doesn’t always mean I want to be an intrusion…maybe it means I want to be with you, someway, somehow…because even when you are all grown up, on your own, and don’t need me so much, like my best childhood friends,I still want to know you…

But then again, you can just un-friend or un-follow me… I’ll still love you.

For more on Dunbar number of friendships:

http://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/social-media-affect-math-dunbar-number-friendships

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The Family Bed

2/19/2015

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I never expected to have a family bed. I thought it was weird.
When I was studying child development in college, therefore becoming a judgmental ‘expert’ on all the things I thought to be true, I downright opposed family sleeping. I’m not sure where my opposition came from...maybe it was a sign of the times.

When I look back, I loved my own days in my parent’s bed…falling asleep and then being moved to my own bed… all the naps I took next to my Mom…I still remember trying to hold her hand tight enough so she wouldn’t get up when I fell asleep. And now, that ‘college expert’ is long gone (thank goodness), as the ‘family bed thing’ is the freak flag I am happy to wave. It is our way of being together.

In hindsight, I now know, how sleep happens in families is sometimes just what works best, no expert opinion needed. What we all need, parents and children, is to get the best night’s sleep possible, each and every night.

Just to be clear, I am not an attachment parenting type of mom. I was a full time working parent most of my life while raising all five of my prodigy. The family bed just happened. It happened in an unintentionally intentional way and here is how:

I was a busy, young, working mother, trying to complete a masters’ degree and run a full time preschool. I’d open the school at 7:30AM and often close it at 6:00. My maternity leaves were exactly the 6 weeks given post delivery. I took classes or had teacher-parent meetings most evenings and it was during this time that I came to value time in bed as an important way to connect with my children.

It was during this time I intentionally began spending first thing in the morning and last thing at night cuddling my children. These were the few moments we could be together without interruption...The few moments my mind could slow enough to be present for them...The few moments each day we could be up close and personal together. This was the start of our family bed, which led to our eventual nightly routine of musical beds.

At the ripe old age of 40 my back went bad, which meant an upgrade to a King size bed…and what do you know? We could fit even more of us…

In my family of origin, (a very busy, very chaotic household at times), cuddling was handed down to me from my oldest sister, and to me, it is a precious heirloom. As a little girl, I knew when things got too chaotic, I could hide away in my room and wait until my big sister would come find me and cuddle for awhile…it was my way to regroup, and a time for co-regulation.

So shoot me, Ferber! We tried the cry until our baby throws up and we even insisted that if they slept with us it was across the end of the bed… (of course what we thought would be a deterrent, happily became accepted as “the nest”). We have tried it all, and now that my fifth child has finally reached the 8 year old mark, he too, is learning to hold hands from the blow up mattress on the floor. He is learning that 10 nights in a row putting himself asleep is possible, and earning legos by slowly putting more space between our bed and his mattress...and my days of kids in the bed are dwindling. After 23 years I can honestly say… It feels GREAT to have my own space… at the same time, I don’t regret a moment of the discomfort.

Our children need ways to slow down so the rest of the time they can embrace the demands modern childhood places on them. Every once in awhile before school, my kids have what we call “power cuddles”, when they need just two more minutes of closeness before they greet their day they’ll ask for it. “Power cuddles” usually end by saying “okay…one, two, three… you and me against the world, GO!” our call to activation and race to get dressed…

Sometimes ‘cuddles’ are the only time of day we remember to share important feelings, thoughts or goings on from our day…and what better time to unload the good or bad of your day and hear that everything will be okay than before nodding off or restarting on a new fresh day? Think of it as a way to take the load off or allow someone to share the load so we can start anew.

Don’t get me wrong… sometimes the ‘musical beds’ routine really sucks! When I am sick and tired, not ready to go to sleep, or I want my kids to already BE asleep, then yes, having to lie down and risk falling asleep does cramp my style. Sigh. Especially when I really want to pour a glass of wine with Olivia Pope or Alicia Florrick...or when my kids are still up waiting for cuddles when I return from a night out...at these moments it does cramp my style (and my husband’s style even more).

But, there are also the funny times…like only a week ago when both my kids who are still at home were sleeping with us, and in the middle of the night I felt the cat jump up and case the bed for a spot... and I hear my husband sing sleepily “there were 5 in the bed and the little one said..”...And then there are the not so funny times when one of the kids gets kicked out of bed because we think she is the dog.

Not all my kids have the same needs for closeness. One of my kids mostly wants my weight on one side of her bed -no touching- thank you very much, and my youngest wants to be wrapped up in my arms, but truth be told, my kids have developed an ability to feel comfortable with closeness. They have the ability to give and get hugs, to understand personal space, to simultaneously understand that closeness is not only about sexuality and romance and is sometimes just about connecting and being present. Regardless, everyone has ended up mostly in their own bed by 10 years old...with an occasional break down when extra tired or anxious (...or when my 16 year old son returned from 6 weeks in Israel and took a nap next to me).

So now, with 3 adults on my hands, cuddling is not all about being with me any longer. Morning dog piles have become more a sibling thing, especially on the now rare occasions they can all be in the same place. One of my boys says it this way: “It is a complex ape thing...we have complex social structures, and cuddles and pummeling are part of our reunification process.”

Ape thing or not, it is definitely our thing.

P.S. To avoid controversy I will emphasize that my newborns slept in a bassinet next to my bed. Sleep safety is a real concern due to risks of parental sleep deprivation or drug and alcohol use during sleep when your children are young.

For more information about sleeping:

http://www.attachmentparenting.ca/articles/APFamilybedroomsschoolagechildren.pdf

http://www.popsugar.com/moms/Sleep-Tips-Babies-Toddlers-From-Dr-Harvey-Karp-28444005#photo-28444005

For understanding sleep patterns and disruptions during developmental phases, I recommend reading about Brazelton Touchpoints.

http://www.brazeltontouchpoints.org/family-resources/touchpoints-your-baby/touchpoints-sample/

Other Resources:

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Happy Ground Hog's Day....Again

2/9/2015

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The Ground Hog’s Day Fugue State of Parenting Fatigue

Have you ever felt as if you are on a carousel and you can’t step off? Round and Round it goes… same old, same old…day in, day out…same story, different day. If only we could step off. If only we could step out of the fugue state, brace ourselves for the possible crash landing, make some minor tweaks and suddenly make parenting a cake walk, instead of a nauseating merry-go-round carnival ride.

A friend recently wrote me;

“It's Tuesday, and I call my sister to vent about life. But before I launch into to my "champagne problems" (as one of my friends likes to refer to them) my sister has her own rant. She starts talking about how monotonous the days are and how bogged down she feels by the mundane tasks at hand. She talks about her girl's homework, and sporting commitments, and how the dog has to have his stitches out, and....

I feel relieved. I am not the only one feeling this way, so I chime in with my two cents about starting off the morning with the irritating alarm clock (beep, Beep, BEEP), to the breakfast routine (cereal or oatmeal), getting ready for school (yes, you have to wear a coat, remember the house rule....under thirty degrees you wear a coat - like there needs to be a rule for that, hello common sense), to school drop offs (do you have your hat, mittens, boots, snow pants, homework, lunch, etc), then back home to meet a friend for a quick workout (I'm building muscle that's why I haven't lost any weight, right?), then errands (one of which was to buy "old man" attire for the 100th day of school theme), then the first round of after school pick ups, to sports, then dinner, then homework, then shower, and finally, bed. Now, what I'm leaving out are all the colorful details in between, like the fact that our one year pup has decided that it's fun to dig through three feet of snow to retrieve frozen crap, and then bring it to the doorstep as if she's presenting me with a special gift! Or the fact that my eight year old 'missed' the island and sent the gallon of milk sailing to the floor which resulted in a geyser of milk erupting into every cabinet and drawer crevice possible. Or, the fact that I showed my son the very cool supplies for the 100th day and he said "did you get the button down shirt", my response "no", his response "oh, what did you do all day?" Really? Does he want to go there!?

But I digress. In this conversation with my sister, she bursts into laughter and says "It's like Groundhog Day...again". Yes, yes it is. And there was comfort in knowing that someone else understood exactly how I was feeling. But the real question remained...'how do I get out from under the groundhog day feeling?” ...just then, her phone rang....she had to go....it was the school nurse calling to say her daughter had a fever.

So I sit there thinking....’I know I should feel grateful for how blessed my life is, but these days gratitude seems to be buried under the "what's for breakfast", "what did you do all day"....or the new norm, "snow day" AGAIN, or "stomach flu" AGAIN. If there is one more snow day, delay, or sick day I may never be able to dig out the gratitude from under all these layers.’”

First off, the ‘Ground Hogs Day’ monotony of parenting has NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING UNGRATEFUL. IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH BEING NORMAL.

My own fugue states have sometimes been seasonal (too many birthdays and holidays crammed into too few months suck all the life out of me each and every year), or environmental (competing forces of marriage, kids, and work, are zapping all my brain energy), or lastly as with my current doldrums, I complete a big project and am waiting for the excitement of what’s next (yes, excitement of projects I like make my parenting more fun). I can’t complain about snow days, given my tenure in California and Arizona, but I can only imagine as I spend days on end in the air conditioned house during summer months (one year I forgot the weather had changed until I actually saw people out in the neighborhood again). Everyone’s triggers are different, but the same dynamic usually occurs -we go on autopilot with our parenting- we do what needs to be done, going through the motions without much reflection, until we can pull our heads out of our butts and get back in the game.

I’ll be clear, parenting fatigue can last a few days or a few months and hopefully we have spouses or support systems who are able to step in and help fill our shoes while we rejuvenate. During one of these phases early on in my parenting journey, a friend who happened to be living with our family at the time, woke me from my stupor saying; “I’m not their parent, you’ve become the good guy and I’m the disciplinarian, that’s not my responsibility, and I’m not going to do it anymore.” Yes, sometimes having a straight talker in your life is just what you need, especially if the fugue goes on too long. We all need partners in parenting to bounce the crap off. Being able to wonder about feeling stuck helps immensely.

I’ll venture a guess that parenting fatigue, as I know it, is even more pervasive for parents of children with special needs or parents of at-risk kids. Parenting kids who have gone through Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) -such as divorce, trauma, poverty, loss of a parent- and doing so in a conscious way, adds a whole layer of hyper vigilance that is exhausting. Even the most adept parent becomes exhausted.

One follower puts it like this, “Not only do I have my own relationships to stay vigilant about, but I am also keeping the peace and coordinating relations between all of the other factions of the family.” When we counted all the connections just for a family of four it is pretty amazing more of us don’t end up in a padded cell.

As parents, we try to control all the variables -additionally keeping up with day to day care – meaning that parenting is no picnic. As a mother of ADHD kids with low activation and high distractibility, our mornings alone, with no extending circumstances, can be complete hell.

That said, parenting fatigue can also have some oddly humorous moments, when you are desperately looking for new strategies. Friends would laugh at the signs in our kids’ bathroom reminding my kids that full showers included using soap, washing butts/under arms/hair, and not just enjoying the warm water (AKA- Jungle Bath). By the time I caught up with the lack of cleanliness, the hot water was inevitably used up and I was frankly too tired for sniff tests. Yes, it is exhausting sounding like a broken record. Sometimes, I’d just stop caring…

Over the years, I’ve noted our warning signs: (maybe you’ve begun to note your own…)

Making lunches and getting the kids to school on time is like climbing Mt. Kilomanjaro (...not that I really know what that is like).
I stop smiling, laughing, and engaging in pleasurable ways with my kids. It all just feels like hard work.
The typical ‘spilled milk’ becomes an incident of major and impossible proportions.
I start letting my children’s behavior slip. My children get away with lesser offenses because my bandwidth for disciplining inappropriate behavior is stretched so thin.
At the same time, as my parenting gets harder and harder, my expectations rise and I basically make them carry more of the responsibility. Sometimes this is an important change that acknowledges I have been catering too much, but sometimes demanding more of them is just developmentally inappropriate and wrong.
Lastly, I might look to blame outside sources to excuse my parenting because I’ve lost my edge…reflective parenting gives me an edge, but not if I am too exhausted to be thoughtful. This is when I might seek excuses -something must be happening at school, my co-partner isn’t pulling his weight, this kid is just trouble- and while all these things may be true, it may also just be excuse for my own fatigue. (um, yeah, all those times parents came in and yelled at the preschool director about a lost pair of socks were hardly because of that director or that pair of socks!!!)

Whether you call it fatigue, ‘hitting the wall’, or ‘losing your shit’, we can and need to pull our head back out by taking care of ourselves. Seeking help from spouses, friends, or even counselors might be a first step. A parenting tune up never hurts anyone, and can be essential as parenting fatigue can become a self fulfilling prophecy…our kids are who they are, but they also will become who we think they are if we meet them with fatigue. Check in with yourself when the signs of parenting fatigue arise. Are you connecting or just running through the motions?

Making the tweaks won’t happen overnight but little steps add to our momentum towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Here are a few ideas;

Add humor to your life. Pretend to laugh if you have to, starting somewhere, even if it’s just pet videos on facebook, can go a long way.
Remember and reflect on other times you’ve made it through…seeing the finish line always helps the sprint.
Call in the troops! Whoever it is that helps make life bearable. Misery needs company...that is certainly why the word co-misery exists!
Change your ‘boring’ routine…or on the other hand, add a different routine…routine is boring for some, and is motivating for others…
Seek refuge, even for just a little bit, what really brings you solace?
Have a family meeting…I use pretty straight talk with my kids. I apologize for shitty parenting moments and I also speak honestly when I am not feeling well…you’ll be amazed how your kids will rise to the occasion if you communicate in an age appropriate manner.
Keep up with the pleasures you do share with your kids…for me I can always manage cuddles or bedtime reading next to each other...these easy moments of connection can bring joy to everyone even when other ways of connecting feel painfully tedious.
You also might need to try a way of connecting you don’t usually do...volunteering at school, having dessert for dinner....mixing things up!

For me, a good evening with wine, friends, and laughter can get me out of a rut. For some, alone time is more rejuvenating. For others still, exercise is key, or a cup of tea, or date night! Look inward and consider what has been missing.

My own therapist puts it this way… “In order to put the oxygen mask on your child in an emergency, you need to put your own mask on first.” We provide a great example for our children when we take time to figure it out, make an effort to take care of our own needs and then can take care of others.

And this last one really speaks to me… “You are the roots of the tree that keep the branches able to blow in the wind without breaking.” Sometimes we have to dig deep within to keep the roots in the ground.

Author’s note: If you have never felt like this as a mother or teacher more power to you, but you can’t be my friend.

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The Rare (unexpected) Breed

1/27/2015

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Earlier this month I put my adult son on a plane to Iceland, his first stop on his journey to studying abroad for a semester. This is not just your typical study abroad program, but studying neuroscience, while completing a Science Research Practicum, all the while living in Denmark (working with the latest brain imaging technologies). It sounds like I'm bragging, but truly, I'm just astounded.

As I drove away from the airport curbside all I could think was...hmm, pretty sure I used to threaten that I'd ship him to Iceland, for good, if he didn't get his act together...

This is the same toddler we once called Tazman because at 18 months, he ran circles around himself like the Tazmanian Devil…The toddler who thought he was a puppy and carried socks (often dirty) around in his mouth…The kid who ‘red-shirted’ Kindergarten because he needed an extra year of playing in the sandbox…The kid who begged and pleaded to bring a big rock he had found to school to share, and when I begrudgingly obliged (“It needs to go right in your cubby and only come out at circle time!”) and after he agreed to my set boundaries, still promptly threw the rock in the middle of the play area the moment we entered his classroom... The kid who burnt his arm from accidentally running into the barbecue...The kid who absentmindedly wrote with sharpie on his preschool teacher’s expensive new jeans...The kid who didn’t wear tie shoes until 6th grade because Velcro was easier….

He has broken 3 bones, totaled 2 cars without triggering the airbags, and suffered more than 1 concussion participating in wrestling and rugby. At the end of 1st Grade, he barely read at benchmark levels, and in 2nd Grade, he was in afterschool resource for both writing and math. I even had to have a meeting with his first PE teacher in 2nd Grade because he wanted to kick him out of class (reality check- PE was the least of my friggin worries at that point).

But wait… Did I mention he was 5 points away from a perfect SAT score? That he was such a voracious reader we sometimes had to take books away so he could concentrate on other things? That he starred in an anti bullying video in Middle School because he was so damn articulate? That he is off to study neuroscience abroad? That he has been teaching his 13 year old sister about Darwin’s Origin of the Species? And that he is currently the President of his college Rugby club?
...

There are Orchids and there are Dandelions. Dandelions are amazing children; like the flower they are named after, they are resilient, smart, and can grow -and more importantly, survive- into healthy adulthood despite negative environmental factors. Orchids are also amazing children; they are smart, beautiful, with the potential to grow, however, they are not as resilient as the dandelion and if orchids are exposed to environmental detriment, their fragility can’t survive. On the other hand, orchids born into the ‘right’ environment where they are cared and advocated for as the unique individual they are, those orchids can bloom into the creative geniuses of the world, far surpassing what would have ever been predicted from standardized testing, cursory behavioral observations, or diagnoses during their early years. Remember stories of Einstein’s early days?

Of my 5 children, I have 4 dandelions and 1 orchid. I treat[ed] them all like orchids, but when I got the one orchid all the way to young adulthood and looked back, I realized how many places along the way we could have derailed. How instead of being tagged as a troublemaker, his open classroom program in Middle School encouraged him to become a leader. How instead of letting the competitive high school environment break his spirit, he spoke out about the ‘Race to Nowhere’ so prevalent in our highly competitive educational culture.

It makes me think about, and hurt for the orchids born into families without the bandwidth for children with special needs, families and children without protective features. I remember most orchids I’ve had in my classrooms and I worry about orchids born both into the throes of resources and raised in the disadvantages of poverty.

All kids are exhausting, but orchids kick us into high gear...they need advocates, relationships, and tending to… they are “that kid” that teachers both struggle with and feel most pride in. They are the children many of us are determined not to give up on. Once a teacher told my son; “You’ll either be the leader of the free world one day or be in prison for life.” Taken out of context this might seem a horrid thing to say. In context, it reminded my son how gifted he really was, and how certain gifts can be used different ways depending on different circumstance…

Orchids need what dandelions need, but are harder to understand and provide care for. Orchids require digging deep into the depths of our thinking, for they aren’t as easy as dandelions and they will torture and test even the most adept parents and teachers throughout our journey… but, when they bloom, they bloom in a big way. Orchids bloom beyond our wildest dreams.

If you’d like to read more about this frame of thinking, I suggest this article.

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The 2-Headed Monster

1/20/2015

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My Child: The 2-Headed Monster

There are at least two worlds for most every child...inside the home and outside the home (I will tell you now, If you home school, this isn’t the blog post for you). For most of us, inside and outside the home translate to ‘home or school’. As a teacher sitting down to conference with parents year after year, I prepare myself for at least 3 scenarios to possibly come to fruition;

Child is the same child at school and at home...challenging behaviors or not. Parents and teachers can joke or cry together as they share expertise and move forward on goals.
Child is struggling at school but is “perfect at home”.
Child is the purest form of teacher dream in all ways, and is a major terror at home.

Today, I want to address Child #3 because...

We’re all good!!! No matter what, and we’re sticking together. Parents and teachers are on the same page, the kiddo in question is getting the gift of shared expertise and reflection from all ends.

   2.      Someone at this party is clearly in denial, (we teachers can get our heads wrapped around a kid wrong,
          just as much as a parent can). I’d need to be a licensed therapist to effectively delve into it. Or this
          picture is missing so much information it needs more time and information sharing before the situation
          can move forward.

Child number 3 has the ‘shitty-feeling, downtrodden, desperate to change things parent’ written all over it. This is where I can share some expertise...

One parent follower recently shared this about her 9 year old:
“She is sweet as a Georgian Peach outside the home…inside, more of a pre-teen terror…screaming, favorite word is NO…any advice? Desperate for a solution…”

My first experience with this phenomenon was long ago…I remember dragging myself to pick up my 4 year old daughter from child care sometime in the mid 90’s (which means, if you want to picture this, I was in my late 20s wearing an oversized tunic and patterned leggings, probably carrying a sibling baby on my hip) not feeling too excited to parent another evening away in power struggles. Our evenings had been going something like this:

She says: “…then you can’t come to my birthday party!!” and slams the door behind her. I go after her and yell through closed bedroom door “…then who is going to pay for it?!”

So, back at the preschool, I am greeted by her teacher, (who in her defense was one of my former colleagues) and as part of my normal routine I asked, “How was her day?” ...and then mustering confidence in a plaintive almost desperate way I added, “We’ve been having a really hard time at home lately”... And before I could even fully express my fatigue and desperation, the teacher says “Ohhh…she is just such an angel! We have no problems with her here, ever.”

Ever?! Screw you!

Not only was I battling parenting fatigue, but I had a drama queen (4 going on 21 daughter) on my hands. Her tutus and Disney princess fetishes hid her talent for tying me in knots. Around this same time she had feigned a kidnapping at a restaurant during a big family dinner, screaming “this is not my mother, leave me alone!!” at the top of her lungs all the way to the door as I was taking her for a “small break outside” during a tableside meltdown. Triple sigh, just remembering it.

Fast forward 20 years and my two-headed monster of the 90’s, is my beautiful and amazing 23 year old daughter. She is still incredibly socially mature and independent. God forbid I get in the way of her plans. (I know because I’ve tried, with much the same verbage “who will pay for it?”). Recently, friends who socialize with us both, together and apart, mentioned how funny and surprising it was to watch Kelsey be annoyed by her mother.

Wait. What?

Some patterns never change? My oldest daughter is my best friend and has been since the moment she was born. I believe this feeling is mutual. That said, I am her mother, not her peer. We’ve grown up together. More than with any of her siblings, this kids has been with me on the entire journey. Even at my worst I have been her one steady, safe, and sustaining person... and all my decisions, right or wrong, have held what I believed to be her best interest at heart. That means we share the good, bad, and the ugly. She needs me, yet she doesn’t. Even at 6 weeks old, I had this weird motherly intuition that she needed a bit of break from me, even just a few hours a day. Whether this was a symptom of mentally preparing for going back to work or not, I’ll never know; but I do remember clearly thinking as we were rocking together…’I am starting to bore her, it is time to add some new characters to her life’. The pattern has never changed….can’t wait to be together...but, enough is enough, I know your routine, you are starting to bore me.

But, back to what helped me survive these discrepancies in home and school, It was optimism. I tend to look on the bright side...silver lining type parenting, my cup is (usually!) half full. And damn if I’m not proud to have kids, who despite struggling with impulse control, and focus for learning, behave themselves at school, at synagogue, in sports, and most any time out of our home. My kids were wild banshees that let loose back in their home environment, but most of the time, they were known as ‘the kids that teachers could count on’ at school. I began to realize I could suck it up and struggle along with the hard stuff, as long as I could count on them to behave most of the time when in other people’s care, or when part of group activities.

I reframed the story for myself in other ways too. I started to reflect on how I feel when I get home from a day of work, ready for my glass of wine...my ‘grown up way’ of needing to let loose. Are our kids really any different??

I’ve seen versions of this story transpire over the years in my preschool programs. Kiddos happily engaged all day long at school, and then parents walk in and, like a light switch, that same kiddo falls apart… sometimes in tears, sometimes by suddenly getting out of control, sometimes just wanting to get out of school as fast as they can… a day at child care or school is a day at work for children. Just as we dig deep to maintain professionalism in our workplaces, children dig even deeper to manage their behavior all day long. For a child with special needs, higher sensitivity to changing environments, or challenges with impulse control; there may be an even more drastic difference between environments.

I’ve had my adult sons home on college break and they recently felt the need to have some serious discussions with me about their younger brother, Jake: “He’s a terror, you let him get away with so much. He’s a jerk.” Well, not even five minutes later, I received an email from his teacher… “Jake was nominated to participate in a special assembly tomorrow because he has the most off the chart positive behavior points for the year.”

Wait. What?

Not only does this crack me up because it’s coming from two alpha members of the wild banshee pack, but here it is, history repeating itself.

...And, lastly, let’s circle back to teachers talking to parents about their children...Talking to parents about their children can be difficult for all kinds of reasons and parent teacher conferences can be very emotionally charged. Hearing things about your children that don’t match up with your experience can be shocking to both parent and teacher. Normalize these differences instead of exaggerating them. Wonder together. Promote the idea that children pushing boundaries is a developmental reality, and when they meltdown it can be a message that they feel confident that the adults around them will protect them.

Perhaps having a two-headed monster is a compliment? You provide just the comfort your child needs to thrive outside your relationship. What do you think?

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Awkward Family Photo

1/7/2015

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“AND THEY’RE OFF”…back to school after the holidays. From my texts and messages from some of you I see it is a mixed bag of feelings; from “I’m going to lose my shit” to “Loveliest holiday season ever”, every year this season brings it’s trials and tribulations. And then not to mention the goals we set as we enter January with lofty thoughts in mind…the holiday aftermath isn’t always so blessed.

My kids get so far out of routine on vacation, they generally like getting back to school, and yet the transition into the new half of the school year isn’t always so easy. Teachers start to put the ‘pedal to metal’ to reach academic milestones before school year end, whether consciously or unconsciously our children may start to feel the pressure. Our sleep schedule is totally off… and why is it still dark when we have to wake up?

But what really cracks me up is my stack of holiday pictures of happy families in clean tidy clothes, and tidings of comfort and joy, that stare at me and seem to say, “What are you going to do with us now?”… and that is the inspiration for my new year’s blog… is life really this happy???

Lest you begin to think my life with kids is copacetic full time just because I send out an annual happiness card, my oldest daughter and I thought we’d create our own awkward family photo diatribe in hopes we bring humor to your post holiday transition. Because of course being ‘down to earth’ about your parenting also means being realistic. Despite the myriads of perfect holiday cards with their perfect holiday pictures needing to be recycled this time of year, the grass is rarely greener whilst they came.

As a family with platinum status in the National ADHD club, (it is very heritable you know), my family has been through many versions of photo difficulties… Every ‘perfect’ photo, just like every so-called ‘perfect’ family, has had many takes before getting the perfect one… In fact, one year I just gave up and made a collage of all the blooper picks with tagline “Better Luck Next Year”… indeed, some years are just like that… we hope for better luck next year. And some years… well, the picture itself is the awkward history every family carries through the years.

Oops, Mom didn't know she's chosen Judaism just yet....

Someone wrecks almost every picture because the probability of 5 smiles is just damn low....

Or pets want in on the action.....

Many years when significant competition
existed for who was the center of attention...

Years when sensory disorders were in our way...sometimes you just can't get comfortable...

Someone pulling hair.....

Tantrums....

When pajamas were formal attire.....

Have any awkward family photos with history all your own? Post if you’d like to share or just enjoy the reality of it all as we emerge back into the real world post holiday hubbub and attempt to embrace the new year… perhaps our only expectations should be the perfect imperfection life with children has to offer!!!

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Hanukkah Hut Angst and Creating a Family of Givers

12/15/2014

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It is an awesome thing to send your kiddo off to Sunday School with $40 and know he’ll come home with 7 presents wrapped and ready for his family....(This year, we even planned a night of Hanukkah for sibling gift giving because even if I have to pay for it, I like the idea of my kids thinking about each other). The best is seeing the presents he chooses, and listening to his late night “buyer’s remorse” during cuddles...

Jake: Ema, I have to tell you something…

Ema: What, Buddy?

Jake: I’m really really sorry but I forgot to get you a present at the Hanukkah Hut.

Ema: That’s okay Buddy, don’t worry… did you run out of money? Were you able to get presents for all your siblings?

Jake: Well, I used all the money but, no I didn’t run out… I miscounted. I thought I was done and had $7 left over, so I bought a present for myself. But I’ll make you something, I promise. (Oh, the pain of big-family math…)

Ema: It’s okay, Buddy… Emas don’t expect presents, that isn’t the important part....It’s okay to buy yourself a present sometimes, too.

Jake: Yeah, and you wouldn’t really like the thing I got anyhow. (Long cuddly pause)...I’m still going to make you something.

Ema: I like anything you give me, but I love the things you make me more...thanks.

The season of giving brings with it the season of craziness. I love to have the traditions of candle lighting and gifting, but I worry about it being too much ‘all take’ and not much real ‘giving’ for my kids. This changes as they grow older and I know that over time my kids look forward to the Pajama night, the gift card night, the sock and underwear night…it becomes more about the time together than the actual present they receive. What is hard to know, is whether it’s because I’ve done something right with my parenting, or that children just grow into being givers. Whichever it is, here are a few ideas that I have tried or keep trying over the years…

1. Repairing the World. As a Jewish parent, I try to use the same words as are used at my kid’s Summer Camp or Sunday School to point out the moments my kids are giving of themselves. For me this usually involves Hebrew or Yiddish, but I am sure that Church, Scouts, and Clubs in your community offer the same set of values or words that help put a language to social action. Even preschools can use the language of community building and empathy… I especially like the “Fill your bucket” series by Carol McCloud which helps young children think about filling others’ buckets, it also helps children think about how it might feel to have an empty bucket.

2. Participate in year round efforts which make giving an everyday happening, not just a seasonal event. My children have always enjoyed going shopping for food drives, which has also given me the opportunity to talk about different kinds of food and help my children choose nutritious food items. In addition, it has provided an opportunity to gain an understanding that some people needing food have kitchens, while others may not have access to appliances and still need ways to be healthy.

3. As a former teacher, I love Staff Appreciation weeks. This is the week of the school year I almost always volunteer, and in doing so, I try to emphasize to parents and children that every day is teacher appreciation day. Our year round gratitude is shown in our appropriate behavior and clear communication with one another. My children’s teachers through the years are counted as some of my very favorite people in the world, finding ways to remind them of that does not go unnoticed.

4. Take your kids with you to vote… or make sure they see you vote. One of the most important ways we give back to our community and show our children what is important, is by making sure we participate in our most basic of civic duties.

5. If your child feels scared or unsure of people who are homeless, mentally ill, elderly, disabled or different in religion or ethnicity than you are, check your own reactions. Instead of informing your child how they should act, react or feel… wonder with them about why they think someone is “weird”, “scary” or causes them “discomfort”. I am big on not shying away from hard discussion and wondering with my kids… I am more often than not humbled by my kids correcting me when I am insensitive. Our kids are growing up in a much more accepting world… encourage it, they’ll be much better off if you do.

6. Make your giving visible. It isn’t the amount of money that is important, it is the act of participation. In fact, my children rarely know if I have given $18 or $180. There have been times I just could not give to the myriad of fundraisers that come home in the backpacks… but when I do, I try hard to have my children participate, with me. I want them to know we are a family of “givers” and giving is not just with money, we can give through service, acts of kindness and helping others understand certain causes better.

7. Recently I saw a great post about creating ziplockbags full of toiletries and other basic needs for the homeless. The idea being giving these bags (as opposed to cash) when we meet up with individuals asking for help. I reposted, and noticed a number of friends took on the project over thanksgiving with their own families. I hope to follow their lead and do the same with my kids during winter break, and in fact a few times a year, as it is an easy thing to keep in the car and give when approached for help.

8. Lastly, I owe this idea to my amazing sisters (and to our community of cousins who continue the practice year after year with enthusiasm): Each Christmas afternoon instead of exchanging gifts, my family’s cousins (up to 21 cousins ranging in a thirty year age span) exchange donations to charities of their choosing. You pick your cousin, research the charity of their choice, make the donation and provide a brief but meaningful presentation during our “circle of giving” time. Months ahead my children are planning their charity choice, and it never ceases to amaze me what the youngest of the cousins present and understand through their research. Our children (meaning the whole group of cousins) have collectively given to and learned about agencies protecting LGBT rights, supporting Alzheimer’s and Autism research, protecting wetlands, endangered species and coastal areas, furthering sustainable agriculture, feeding the hungry and less fortunate, rebuilding after Katrina, medical relief work in Haiti, providing clean water, supporting micro businesses internationally, and anti-bullying campaigns… the list goes on and on… understanding and trying to empathize with the needs of the world is one of the first ways to develop a sense of giving.

In the spirit of the season, I hope you'll post some of your ideas below for fighting the “angst” and creating a family and community of “givers”.

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The Forgotten Child

12/8/2014

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One of my kids refers to herself as the “forgotten” child… here’s why:

She once got locked out of one of our Cruise Staterooms. (We never expected that our big kids would sleep through their sister leaving her bunk.) When a fellow cruiser knocked on the door, we were shocked to find that the toddler in the hall was ours...

And once we forgot she was with us when she slipped into the gas station store to buy a drink. Until of course, we heard the lady yell after us, “Hey, isn’t this your kid?” as we took off down the street…

And once when we left her at the high school following our older son’s graduation...we all thought she was with the other car full of family members...

And once, more recently, a big group of us walked away from her at the zoo…and well, fortunately, she could borrow a cell phone and call us…

And the truth is, she is not even the baby I left at my office when meeting my colleagues for margaritas…he too, was perfectly safe when I returned to the office full of laughter from coworkers timing how long it would be before I returned. Yes, 6 months of therapy ensued after that one.

Feeling like a shitty parent (or teacher for that matter) isn’t fun, but it does come with the territory, no matter how experienced we are. If we offer our children a wide range of experiences, there are bound to be moments of oversight...moments we miss cues or get disconnected. Embracing my perfectly imperfect parenting and teaching has been a life’s journey for me. As a teacher and mother I have found it liberating to “out” myself, because all my worst moments are nothing when I start to think of my best moments. And the best moments are what count the most in the end.

How can the bad moments happen, you ask? That could never happen to me, you say? Research on parent child relationships tells us, we all have our good and bad moments, and even though I hate math, I am pretty sure my probability for these moments increased with each additional child I added to my responsibilities.

When we turned the car around and pulled back into the gas station for my daughter, she just jumped in the car like nothing had happened. First thing out of both my husband’s and my mouth was “Were you worried?” Surprisingly, she laughed and said “No.” It was a little hard to believe, but true. She was totally unfazed and said it really never occurred to her that we wouldn’t turn around quickly. It wasn’t until years later, after the graduation and zoo experiences, she created her own nickname, ‘the forgotten child’, just to rub in her mother’s failings.

I have learned a few things about parenting and our process of rupture and repair with children. I understand that my daughter, despite her mother’s worst moments, has internalized that no matter what bad moments arise between us, our best moments are never too far away. I believe all my children have developed this understanding of relationship. I make mistakes, they make mistakes, and then we find our way back to our perfect space together. (Hopefully, I make far fewer mistakes than they do over the course of our life time.)

One of my favorite researchers, Dr. Ed Tronick of “Still Face experiment” fame, says it like this…

“It’s a little like the good, the bad and the ugly. The good is that normal stuff that goes on, we all do with our kids. The bad is when something bad happens, but the infant can overcome it, after all, when you stop the Still Face, the mother and baby get to play again. The ugly is when you don’t give the child any chance to get back to the good, there is no reparation and they are stuck in the really ugly situation.”

Tronick’s research helped us understand that only 20 to 30 percent of interactions with our children are perfectly in sync...

“The rest of the time is… you’re in sync, you’re out of sync, you’re getting back into sync.” And that is really what he thinks is the key process: “getting back into synchrony”. The back and forth of disconnect and reconnect is not only normal, it is actually positive.

As Tronick also says, “When you reconnect, one of the things that can happen, not always but some of the time, is that you create something new, if you create something new, you grow.”

When our children return to connectedness with us, the relief felt can create a powerful learning moment. When children learn there is recovery after bad moments, their resilience is bolstered. One of my favorite things to say to preschoolers after a hard day at school is “tomorrow will be a better day”. It isn’t easy to for an adult and child to coordinate emotions and attention full time, but it is our responsibility, as the adult in the relationship, to continue to make stride towards this connection.

As parents and teachers we need to remember that no relationship is perfect all of the time. Every relationship is a journey of trial and error. It comes with the territory that we need to set limits, we get distracted, we don’t read our children’s cues for attention, we laugh or joke when our child doesn’t think it is funny, we yell when we could just speak, and we just plain tune out sometimes. I am guilty as charged. I know I miss more opportunities than I catch. I’ve stopped feeling guilty about the worst moments, because I have come to recognize that the times I am perfect, are extraordinary moments for both me and my kids. Those moments when we laugh together, when I have the right words to move them forward, when I show up as the “cool mom”, when we finish each others’ thoughts, those times are banked in our “interactions account”, and yes, sometimes “loans and withdrawals” are necessary. I challenge us as teachers and parents to concentrate on quality more than quantity, quality of interactions more than quality of gifts or activities to fill their time. If we work hard for the 30% perfection, the imperfection will take care of itself.

For more information about Dr. Tronick’s work please see youtube videos below.

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Introduction to downtoearthparenting.com

12/5/2014

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Three days until launching this site and my first blog doesn’t say anything about why “down to earth”… and I sit dumbfounded in the car talking to my site manager wracking my post thanksgiving stupor… did I write an intro blog or not? Clearly not, because just like my plans for raising children… I got sidetracked… I changed the theme… I lost track…and that perhaps is the best introduction you’ll get.

I’m married to a Doctor, and he was more than annoyed at me when 12 years ago, my friend called to ask labor questions...she called me...not the doctor. It was hard for him to hear that she had questions about something doctors know all about, but she was calling to wonder with a friend… a friend who had been there, done that… someone who sat on the other end of the phone just being there to wonder alongside her in a moment of question. And that same friend is now alongside me, helping me launch this site… wanting to be alongside you, our readers, as we wonder about children together…because we all need people to wonder with…

I’m not a writer by education. I’m not a “licensed” expert who spent years researching and writing for a dissertation. I can’t even claim to be the best parent or preschool teacher in the world. Being the best is not what this site, or my work, is about. The downtoearthparenting blog is about getting back to basics. The blog is about what I know best, the stories of my journey in parenting… the stories of my intentions and my failures… the stories of humor and hurt… the stories of chaos and peace… I’ve lived and continue to live my journey, having brought hundreds of parents in my ECE programs along with me… and now I hope to bring you along, too.

Frankly, our world is so fast paced, we are hardly able to think and connect anymore, let alone connect with our own feelings and thoughts on parenting. What do I know about parents? We need time to think and connect both with a community of like minded parents or friends and with our children. My years of building parent and teacher communities has made me an expert on one thing…not trying to be an expert. I prefer instead to be a part of the process that helps parents and teachers find the answer for themselves.

I want this to be a site readers can come home to… I promise to keep the balance between humor and research, prompt your thinking, help unstick stuck moments… all the while appreciating parenting for what it is; the combination of where we’ve been and where we are yet to go… a perfectly imperfect journey.

Annoying Social Media Presence

The Family Bed

Happy Ground Hog's Day....Again

The Rare (unexpected) Breed

The 2-Headed Monster

Awkward Family Photo

Hanukkah Hut Angst and Creating a Family of Givers

The Forgotten Child

Introduction to downtoearthparenting.com

December 5, 2014

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